"if you never attach yourself to a person..and it ends.. it just seems like they cant hurt you as much.. and for as long.. as someone who you willingly give your heart to... so when it ends...maybe you can walk out of the hospital with a minor outpatient surgery instead of being in a coma for a year and then finally coming to. "

So I think this was the beginning of the end.. Im sure there was quite a bit leading up to it.. but when my thinking turned to this.. it was all down hill from there.

But thats where I am now.. detached.. from everything and everyone. Detached from school and social activities.. detached from my closest friends.. detached from my family.. detached from God.. detached from myself... hoping that the further away I get from it all.. the lower expectations I have.. the less I act like I care.. the less it will hurt.. and the stronger I'll be in the end.

I do realize the twisted logic that's at hand here. Maybe I am crazy... isnt that the definition of crazy.. when you can recognize something is wrong and that you should change it but you continue forward anyways. I dont know.

Anyways, I've lost myself and found.. something.. parts of me.. parts that were uncertain before.. but now I am glad I have. Little things.. I have hobbies now.. in reading my old posts.. that really used to bother me. lol I love cooking/baking and do so regularly, I love crafts and painting and creating, i love working out and being active.. I still love being outside, dancing, and music. Reading too, not so much books- although I do enjoy that as well- but preferably the thoughts of others. I like that I know some stuff about myself now, and that I've started to take control of the areas of my life that for so long I felt so helpless, mainly with weightloss and related issues. So I guess in feeling like I've lost myself it is not all bad... at least I've found something.

Im not sure how my standards got so low. Maybe they always have been and I just got lucky that Jordan was the first person to love me, because I would have accepted much less than the man that he was. Why have I never expected someone to love me? Even when someone did I couldnt accept it. I feel like this is something that's going to plague me my whole life. Its like.. because I dont think someone will love me, I'll accept anything that looks similar... or not similar actually. If you appreciate me, make me laugh, and desire me- that's enough. THAT'S ENOUGH?!!!? I dont require trust, I dont require respect, I dont require earnest feelings even..just pay attention to me, think Im great and want to touch me?! Its beyond pathetic. I know I am a great person, or at least I have the potential to be. And I know that if I was someone else, I would think that they deserved the most wonderful love in the world. But because its me, I feel undeserving. I feel like I shouldnt ask because I already know the answer. I feel like I'd rather live my life with dangerously low expectations and not be disappointed when they are barely met, then live with high ones and continually wonder why I thought I had the right to ask for so much. Look at me, Im not even close to perfect. I fall short in every possible way- even by worldly standards; not short enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, I dont dress right, I dont talk right, I dont dance right, Im just all wrong. And by Godly standards... its all bad. But it hasnt always been that way... at least not to this extent. There was a point in time where I wasnt all bad. But EVEN THEN.. I still couldnt accept that I could be loved. Im gonna be 22 in  a little over a month.. and this is my life.

I love it sometimes.. I cant even lie. The simplicity of it all is somehow comforting. The way that it makes everything so lighthearted and fun. I dont have to be serious about anything. I can joke and laugh and spend time with people who dont care enough to take anything in life seriously even when they should. And I can have fun. And because no one is taking anything seriously and no one really cares about anything.. you dont get hurt or at least as much.. in theory. Because if you dont care, then if something goes south.. oh well. Moving right along.

Im so afraid to care.

I invest myself in people a lot. Even now, but I invest my time, energy, and deeds. Never my emotions. Sometimes, I feel myself starting to get attached to someone, beyond just that surface crush that makes you talk about them all the time, and immediately I pull back. Its like there is a big sign that reads "NOT SAFE" and I take 10 steps back to where it is safe again. Its kind of crazy how you can be with someone, give them everything you have, but never really give yourself to them emotionally. Hell, never even share your true emotions with them- besides lust, curiousity, and laughter. I feel like that kind of makes me a bad person... because even in knowing that the other person was trying to invest themselves in you.. to just continue to not return the same to them.. im pretty sure that makes me a jerk.

Fortunately for the most part, the people who i've avoided investing my emotions in, shouldnt be getting my emotions anyways. But it makes me sad because I know that even if they did deserve that- even if I should- I wouldnt. I'd be too scared. Life has taught me not to trust men.

There have been a few people where I started to let myself THINK of investing myself. I never got to the actual investment, but contemplating whether or not it would be worth it crossed my mind. And wouldnt you know, before I could even make a decision, something comes up. They just want to hook up, they are hooking up with someone else, they lose interest, they disappear... always something random.. always something stupid. Always reaffirming that its best to stay alone.. stay detached.. stay safe.

Of course you arent really safe though.. when you block out everything else its just you and the devil more or less. Which, thats just.. awesome.

Sometimes Im afraid to reach out to God because.. right now I have in my mind.. that if at any point I reach out to him. He'll save me. He'll either change my circumstances or change my perspective and things will look up. I'll learn to be loved and to love someone else and others. It wont be a nice tidy bow but it will clean up quite nicely. I need to believe that. I need for that to be true. I need to have that hope to hold on to. Which is why I never do, I never reach out for Him because Im afraid He wont be there.. or at least not like I need him to be. I know that's messed up but thats honestly how I feel. Like, if I find out THIS isnt real.. this one thing thats kept me sane and okay when everything else feels so messed up. If this comfort that even though I reject daily, I thrive on, turns out to not be what I'd expected either.. it would kill me. And Im too scared to try and find out.

My life is ruled by fear apparently.

Im really not depressed.. todays just not a good day. This week has just left me feeling like.. well a bad person. And just dissatisfied with life a bit. A lot of little disappointments this week and then.. I decided to write.

I am a bad person though.. as much as I sit and complain about guys and how they are with me.. I sit, having one guy I have legit feelings for- for no reason, another who I date occasionally but that's all I want out of it, another who, despite being verbally abusive, wants to try to make things work and have a relationship again- but I just want his comfort till I graduate, and then another who wants me to grow up so he can marry me, and I just want his companionship. I guess I deserve every bad feeling I have.. because clearly I dont care about anyone elses.

What happened to my life?

And here comes a curve ball..

life is so weird sometimes.. actually scratch that always..

I feel like Dane Cook right now.. bc my head is resting on the table so the keyboard is right up by my lips.. he makes a joke about that. lol... I love Dane Cook. "and even if I knew he was an athiest what do you say when an athiest sneezes... ' uh.. nothing happens when you die' " lol great stuff.

I wonder sometimes if love is like a virus.. like a disease. haha. But seriously.. where.. you think its gone.. because all the symptoms are gone.. and then suddenly you get a little flare up.. then it disappears again.. but its still there.. just barried in your system.. or something lol or not

These days I just dont know anything anymore.. and I guess Im okay with that. I have to stop getting ahead of myself thats for sure. Dumb boy..whatev.. it was fun for a few weeks lol. and it was a GREAT idea. lol.. too bad it was just an idea I guess..

I know I could be really happy with you now, Im just not sure if I should be. Some things are better left in the past. This might be one of them. It would take 100%... I just dont know that you are willing to put that or if I could handle putting that out there again.

Me and God put in some major Q-time last night and that was great. I just love being close to him. When God ran style. love that... love love love it.

I also kinda like country music.. a lot. but thats completely unrelated.

"when you think happiness I hope you think of that little black dress.. think of my head on your chest in my old faded blue jeans.. when you think Tim McGraw.. I hope you think of me"

Im starting to really think somethings you'll never know for sure until you really try. Even if its really hard. And if you dont try.. then you didnt deserve it to begin with... basically. lol

I would love a man forever if he sang me this song... probably. :)

She's a yellow pair of running shoes
A holey pair of jeans
She looks great in cheap sunglasses
She looks great in anything
She's I want a piece of chocolate
Take me to a movie
She's I can't find a thing to wear
Now and then she's moody

She's a Saturn with a sunroof
With her brown hair a-blowing
She's a soft place to land
And a good feeling knowing
She's a warm conversation
That I wouldn't miss for nothing
She's a fighter when she's mad
And she's a lover when she's loving

[Chorus]
And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
I talk about her, I go on and on and on
'Cause she's everything to me

She's a Saturday out on the town
And a church girl on Sunday
She's a cross around her neck
And a cuss word 'cause its Monday
She's a bubble bath and candles
Baby come and kiss me
She's a one glass of wine
And she's feeling kinda tipsy

She's the giver I wish I could be
And the stealer of the covers
She's a picture in my wallet
Of my unborn children's mother
She's the hand that I'm holding
When I'm on my knees and praying
She's the answer to my prayer
And she's the song that I'm playing

[Repeat chorus]

She's the voice I love to hear
Someday when I'm ninety
She's that wooden rocking chair
I want rocking right beside me
Everyday that passes
I only love her more
Yeah, she's the one
That I'd lay down my own life for

And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me
Yeah she's everything to me

Everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me

Brad Paisley's "She's Everything"

Yeah.. I should sleep. Nighty night night. :)

<3kari

So blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh thats how Im feeling right now..... just.. nothings quite right.

Well because of one man's insistence on me wrestling with what I consider "my past"... this post continues...

If Im honest.. maybe I'll never be completely over Jordan.. because when you love someone that doesnt stop.. ever.. but that doesnt mean it doesnt change. So maybe you can say you are over someone.. but still love them. Whatever. I dont know. But Im not going to remove someone who already is barely in my life just because other people cant stay friends with their ex's bc they either a. arent really over them or b. never loved them to begin with. Maybe thats harsh but.. I feel like its the truth. And I feel like keeping Jordan a part of my life.. doesnt signify that I want the door for a future relationship with him to be kept open.. although I realize that it does do that.. but instead it signifies that I recognize how rare it is to find someone who really cares about your character.. someone who takes/took the time to get to know you to your core and learn to appreciate the good and the bad... and because of such a rarity.. no-- I dont want to just erase them completely from my life now just because we dated. That person is still my friend.. and although its a part of my past its not a part that I regret. And I refuse to treat it that way. And you shouldnt ask me to.

BLAH.

I think I give myself away too easily. It seems that there is a fine line between being a "real" person from the start.. and letting people become emotionally intimate with you before its time. Maybe its not all bad.. because you always end up knowing someone a little better and understanding yet another person's perspective on the world.. but.. you're also left with a little question mark.. like.. maybe being real from the start isnt the way to go.. maybe I should try gaurding myself and basically lying about how I really feel about things and the experiences that really have taken place in my life like everyone else seems to be doing. At least then if someone rejects you, you can claim it wasnt the real you. So I guess thats something... not really though.

BLAH.

I really want a car. Like.. desperately. Oh and a phone.. that turns on.

I wish people fell in love with you because of your flaws. Instead of thinking the amazing parts of you are amazing.. they thought the bad parts were amazing. They thought that you being annoying and like.. a baby.. lol and disorganized and a sloppy mess.. that they were into that. But they still appreciated improvements. I wish love was really unconditional. Only God I guess. thankfully thats enough.

I think sometimes God tests me.. but maybe its more like a self test.. he puts me in situations because he sees me trying to convince myself of things.. and then he's like.. oh okay.. you think your ready.. go ahead.. try.. and then I fail miserably.. and he picks me back up.. and I look up and say.. guess not. and then he keeps molding me. I just wish for once I'd be ready.

Although I dont want to be with Jordan anymore, I do miss his friendship. (your friendship if you ever read this). Even though he didnt necessarily love me for my flaws.. he at least expected them.. with a smile. Gosh Im such a whiner.. I should just go to bed.

I was really excited... and I still am.. I know God's got it all under control.. if its right it will be.. if its not it wont.. but.. I just really liked the idea of it all.. it was a really great idea. Im probably reacting prematurely as usual.. but whatev.

EMO = Life..pathetic. ha

I love this wifebeater shirt im wearing.

"but im alright.. because i have you here with me.. and i can almost see.. through the dark there is light"

Maybe Im thirsty... not in the physical sense.. but just for my love to finally come. But thats the thing.. Im fine alone.. happy even. I just dont like in-between... either all or nothing.. thats how i prefer my life to be.. if its nothing or maybe this one thing if everything ends up happening the way it should and then yeah  maybe. No.. not into that. at all. too stressful. Maybe Im immature. No.. not maybe.. I am. but I think we always are. whatever.

I feel like a 13 year old sometimes.. now being one of them.

I should go to bed. itts long past my 13 year old bedtime.

So I know that no one reads xanga's anymore..but I realized this past weekend how much I appreciate being able to look back on what I used to write so that I can use it and learn from it now. So..maybe I'll start writing again.. but not for you all (no offense) but just for me. For my reflection.. so that I can see my thoughts on paper.

Im really excited about life right now. I feel like God is really taking this opportunity to answer prayer and well.. show off a little in my life. He's just so good to me you know. I think its amazing how... like if you trust him.. if you just let go of all the plans and .. control that you're trying to yourself.. he'll just blow you away. He just wants you to let go and ask. Im so thankful that I finally did.

This is a reoccuring lesson in my life that never seems to stay clicked for long. Hopefully this time its different. I love being able to see God through others. Like when someone says/does something and I just think.. wow.. thats God right there.. thats as close as you are going to get to the real thing in this life. Its powerful.. really.

So the lack of eloquence is.. okay. lol Im not worried about it.

There is a man.. (I almost said boy lol) but no, very much a man.. who just entered my life... in a pretty powerful way. And Im really excited about it. He.. challenges me.. he challenges the way that I think about everything.. and I love that. He's open and honest with me about his insecurities, fears, shortcomings.. all of that. The sense of realness with him is really refreshing.. and really an answer to prayer. Aside from all the "on paper" qualities, which he has all of, he just.. is just.. great. lol SUCH a blessing. I was beginning to think that I'd never find someone with the quiet masculinity that inspires femininity within me.. but he does that.. he is the type of man who I feel like I can listen and stand behind what he says. I feel like I can follow him.. as in let him be the leader of the relationship.. I trust him already.. after.. a very brief but powerful time of knowing him. I trust him because I trust God.. and I know that he is constantly looking to the Lord as well. I guess in writing this all down.. it just helps me to navigate exactly how Im feeling.. about people.. and just in general towards life..

Im still a little scared. But my timidness has little to do with him.. he hasnt given me any reason to be afraid. My fears come from things that are deeply seated in me. Im afraid that I will lose my focus.. and mess everything up- again. Im afraid that I will be too much and yet not enough at the same time.. I do have insecurities.. and they do make a difference in the way that I live my life. Im sometimes afraid that I wont ever accept some one's love for me. That I'll continually question its validity and expect that someday they will find out that its not really how they feel. I know that these are lies... but its proven difficult to move past them. Im also afraid to give everything.. because to give everything.. and THEN be rejected.. is the worst feeling in the world. Its the ultimate rejection.. and its hard to recover from.

But even so.. I think its worth it. I think that despite the hesitation that I do have.. Im willing to try. Im willing to trust God to lead us in the direction that we should go. Im willing to try.. and to fail. As long as I know that there is an equal investment.. which at this point .. after only a few times of hanging out.. I just dont know.

Timing is so wierd in life. Its never when you are expecting it.. or when you are wanting it.. its always.. so random.. keeps it exciting I guess.. I dont know.

I learned so much from my relationship with Jordan. Im really thankful to have loved a man who was so willing to walk through life togeher and learn lessons along side each other. But I dont want that to take away from my future relationships.. which it shouldnt. But.. I dont know. I idealized a lot of our relationship.. and some of it just really was awesome.. but I dont want my future husband to feel like he needs to compete with jordan and I's story.. I just hope that I am able to communicate that though Jordan and I had something beautiful.. it was dysfunctional and couldnt and DIDNT last. For a reason. It is in the past.. for a reason. And its going to stay there.. for a reason.  But even though I can look back on that time fondly and look at the positive things that I experienced and learned during that time.. that doesnt mean I want my next relationship to be the same way.. nor does it mean I want to be with Jordan again.  I dont know how to articulate that so that its clear.. esp. when I reference Jordan and our relationship so much.. which I also havent figured out how NOT to do.

Same thing goes with friendships. At some point.. you just get fed up. You finally stand up for yourself.. you finally understand that you've been shortchanging yourself all this time and its not right. And the people who did that to/with you.. lose that vital something that attached you to them. And you can still have love for them (Jordan, Kwame etc) and are still their best friend.. but that romantic interest is gone.. because you realize that person will never be what you want or need in a person. I guess its just hard for people to understand because I think most people.. if they are hurt by someone and no longer want them.. they leave. They abandon the friendship that existed before because of the hurt/betrayal. Im not really like that. I came to love you as a friend before any romantic feelings surfaced.. so once those romantic feelings are stifled.. all thats left is the friendship... maybe an adapted friendship.. but the friendship doesnt cease to exist. And the person is still important to me and close to my heart.

That doesnt mean that they still have access to the parts of you that they used to though. Especially now I am starting to see that I need to not give it all away. From an emotional perspecitve, I tend to be involved intimately with people who are not my significant other. To a point... where we should be together.. to the point of emotional intimacy that some people dont even reach WITH their significant other. I used to love that.. bc I felt like these friendships were so strong and blah blah blah. But these friendships are also complicated.. and at some point become inappropriate. While we are all single.. isnt really a problem.. but what about when someone gets in a relationship.. that level of intimacy can quickly turn to emotional cheating.. its just dangerous.. and I dont like it.

And as much as I think about the future.. I never considered that.